Everything's a Competition

Laura: Hey Jack, guess what day it is tomorrow? .... My anniversary!
Jack: I know, it's mine too. (What a coincidence!)
Laura: But it's mostly mine.

My wife, "Knuckles"

[I forgot to return a call from Laura and after a while she called me back. I stepped out onto the balcony to talk to her.]

Laura: I can't believe you forgot to call me back!
Jack: Yeah, I'm sorry. But you know... I was, um, just reaching into my pocket to get my cell phone when you called.
Laura: You're such a fibber! You better watch it: you're on a balcony so it would be really easy for God to strike you with lightning!
Jack: Okay, maybe I thought of calling you just after my phone rang...
Laura: It's a good thing my nickname isn't "Knuckles" or you would be in for quite a beating!

I've got a finger for you...

[Laura showed Jack a generous Christmas check from her mom.]

Jack: That's really nice. Hmm, what can I buy with that?
Laura: It says, "For Laura's coffee habit."
Jack: No, I think it says, "For Jack's robot hands."
Laura: Ha, you don't even get a robot finger. But if you did, I can tell you what finger it would be!

Beatings, beatings

Brianna: Dad, can you butter my waffles please?
Dad: What? You know how to butter your waffles. You do it every morning.
Brianna: Yes, but you helped Jason with the microwave.
Dad: Ah, so you're jealous of me helping Jason...
Laura: Shall I beat on her?
Dad: Violence is not the answer to everything, Dear.
Laura: I'll beat on you next.

You should mean it when you lie to me

[I was sneaking out of bed early one morning because I couldn't sleep.]

Laura: Why are you getting up?
Jack: You're awake?
Laura: Yeah, why are you getting up so early?
Jack: I couldn't sleep, thinking about stuff.
Laura: Thinking about me?
Jack: Um, yeah. You, and chess puzzles, and work. (Not necessarily in that order.)
Laura: You sure know how to woo your wife.
Jack: I'm going to sneak downstairs now.
Laura: To write me a love note?
Jack: Um, yeah ... love note.
Laura: You know, you're no longer my favorite person in the room.
Jack: Why not, I answered correctly, didn't I?
Laura: Yes, but you should mean it when you lie to me.

Impatience

[Brianna nagging Laura to let her buy another song on iTunes.]

Laura: Just a second. You've got to be patient. You've done nothing but ... not be patient.
Jack: You put a lot of negatives in that sentence.
Laura: I wanted to make sure that she got it.

"What would your mother say?"

Whenever Laura does not approve of something I do, she scolds me with "What would your mother say?".  Or she threatens me with, "I'm telling your mama!"  Or in some cases, both.

Me (weighing myself on the scale): Oh, that's not good.
Laura: What?
Me: I guess I should stop eating all those peanut M&M's at work...
Laura: Jackson! What would your mother say?!
Me: Probably something like, "You're going to share that bowl with your whole team, right?"
Laura: I'm telling your mama!

At least she would crack the windows open...

[Laura and I were planning to go out for dinner for our anniversary and the kids were looking forward to a babysitter or play date.]

Jason: "So do we get to over to the Lindemulders?"
Laura: "No, we're just going to crack the windows in the car."

Spare the rod

[Grandma Nell came to visit and brought along a couple games for the kids.]

Grandma: Hey kids, I have a new game to play...
Laura (interrupting): Yeah, it's called, "Beat the children, spare the rod."

Beauty Sleep

Jack: "Oh, it's late.  I need my beauty sleep."
Laura: "Me too....but less than you."
Jack: "Hey!"

It's never the woman's fault

[Laura was driving pretty fast approaching a tight curve in the road.]

Jack: Not too fast, dear...
Laura: You shouldn't say, "Not too fast"; you should say, "The road isn't straight enough."

Territorial diplomacy in a hotel bed

[We had to share a small hotel bed and we had a lot less space than the king-size bed that we're used to at home.]

Jack: "We're both going to have to try to get along."
Laura: "But one of us should try harder than the other."

The opposite of "clingy"

Laura: "Brianna seems to be a bit 'clingy' this morning..."
Jack: "Hormones?"
Laura: "Maybe.  But I don't remember being clingy to my mom when I was a kid.  Ever.  I probably made my own bottles."

Her "alleged" snoring makes me "perjure her"

[At 5 am, Jack touches Laura's shoulder until she wakes up.]

Laura: "Huh? What?"
Jack: "You're snoring."
Laura: "Are you sure?"
Jack: "Yes, dear. I'm sure.  Why do you always ask 'Are you sure?' "
Laura: "I didn't hear it."
Jack: "That's because you were asleep."
Laura: "You should at least use the word 'alleged'. You don't want to perjure someone."

Cold feet

[Laura was uncharacteristically wrapped up in layers of blankets one night when I crawled into bed.]

Jack: You're nice and warm...
Laura: I feel so cold.  I even have socks on my feet!
Jack: I hope you're not getting sick.
Laura: No, sometimes cold feet are just cold feet.